So, this has been a little while in the arriving, but it’s been a bit of a misery and pain week in a literally sense- I’ve got a cold, I’ve been out on public transport good chunks of the week in rain and hail, I look,sound and feel like complete ass- I feel I need to de-ballast a little and encourage a little levity in my mood. And it’s my birthday, fuck it. Let’s be open and honest.
To my Patrons and freinds, this brief you’ve already heard- Go have yourself a beer on me, and check out kawaii things on Pixiv or something. We cool.
I’ve always aimed to be a straight-shooter about myself to everyone I meet- I don’t like playing games or fitting character to the crowd. It’s inauthentic, can be grating, and eventually the facade breaks. So I don’t do that. That carries over to how I work and how I feel about what I create- It’s why I’ve got all of NIArms up on Github, and assuming I remember to upload, I have all the source files for anyone who wants to “check my working”.
So, I want to get this out of the way, not so much for any other sake than maintaining that straight-shooting record…. Get out ahead of any sort of weirder that could occur and have the ability to control what’s happening and when in my life. So it’s time to rip the Big bandaid off-all at once, so to speak.
- I have an Autism Spectrum Disorder, and Dyspraxia. This Is a thing I may have mentioned before, but I wanted to get it clear in the open. It’s most of why I’m shitty at interviews and cognitive executive ordering (why things tend to run late) as well as motor issues and hand-eye co-ordination issues on top of the misc ASD stuff.
- I have Gender Dysphoria. That is to say, I am Transgender female- my birth certificate says I’m male, my brain thinks otherwise.
One of these affects my capability more than my persona, the other the reverse, but both play havoc with my internal mental state when unchecked(depression, anxiety bouts of that sorta noise, whole lotta all the bad kinds of boat-anchor carrying in life), and that’s kind of been the MO for the last decade – I’ve been negligent or straight up repressive of both. In the last 12 months I’ve had some serious self-reflection have decided that hiding them is no longer tenable or healthy (if it ever was).
Net result – me in the psych chair for a few months unravelling it all and working out a game plan to deal. The ASDs I’ve got some things to help with attacks and flare-ups, as well as some guidelines for recognising them. GD’s only got one thing in it’s treatment box – Transition, so that’s where things have been this year.
Even in the 8-9 month span I’ve been actively making efforts with regards to it, it’s still early days, I’m not on HRT yet (fingers crossed for October, welcome to the labyrinthine nightmare of medical treatment of mental health issues,) so right now I’m in the really awkward, early-inbetween phase. What gives me hope is every new step I take into this, every thing, is sometimes I can see a hint of something I could like coming of it, an end goal I could be.. and frankly, the fact that I can see positives in myself, that I can parse some level of contentment in myself, THAT is something I’ve not had in my life ever and would not trade it for anything at all. There’s still a lot of suck, just enough people making overtures to SIR me, and there ARE people in the world who just by the new association more than happily knife me in a public toilet. Even with those aren’t enough to stop me now- I have tasted feeling right and there is no way in hell I’m giving that up for anything. “and not one step back.”
Above all of this junk though, I am still the same fundamental person. These things that are part of me pre-date most of you knowing ever me, so it’s not like this is some wild bait and switch. This is me doing one of those being open on things I’ve previously guarded like it was more important than sucking oxygen. A rare event, with plenty of room to get hurt, but I trust if you’re already this far down the page you’re not writing out some hate screed that makes me regret this candidness.
Anyway, unless something pressing comes up this is about as much depth as I’m really comfortable going into publicly. If anyone wants to talk more in depth about either of the things, or just stuff in general, my doors are open, you know how to do the words thing to talk to me.
Meantime, I want to get back to doing the normal thing, because to me, my work is more interesting, and I’m sure it is to you too. Just wanted this all out in the open.
TL;DR: I’m Transgender and Autistic. Please use female pronouns. Other than that still the same person I’ve always been, just truer.
I was, am ,and always will be,
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